Back door Blues
by AudeTheThird
Summary: "So just come in through the back door-" "NO ONE IS COMING IN MY DAUGHTER'S BACK DOOR!"


"...I know, right? You gotta kinda turn a little, it's not so hard to find when you know what you're looking for. Then you come in the back door and - "

"NO ONE IS COMING IN MY DAUGHTER'S BACK DOOR!"

Darcy and Steve were both looking at him with wide, innocent eyes,though Darcy's were slightly more mollified. Clint was sniggering, Natasha had a hand over her mouth, and Bruce just muttered: "Oh, wow." into his tea. Thor pulled an unsure frowny face, and glanced at Jane, who had jumped upon the out burst.

"My lady love," he rumbled. "Why can Steve not use the back entrance? Is it considered offensive, on Midgard?"

"Uhm." Is what Jane managed to say for explanation.

"Oh, wow." Bruce said again.

"Perhaps he should ask." Thor nodded to himself as though this made a great deal of sense and the Midgardians were simple without him, and straightened his spine. "Steven, ask fair Darcy politely to use the back entrance before you go in!"

"I don't think it works that way." Steve blinked at him, then Darcy, who was staring at her flabbergasted father. "Does it? Do I have to ask first? I thought I just whacked it-"

The noise that then came out of the Iron Man wasn't even so much as human as gurgle and panic.

"No," Darcy cracked a wide, cheeky grin, and reached out to pat Steve's hair. "You just nudge it, be gentle, you don't have to whack it."

"Does your backdoor not have a handle?" Thor wanted to know. "Could you not, perhaps, ask the gatekeeper to open it so you may pass?"

"NO. GATEKEEPER SAYS NO. We keep the back door shut in this family." he smacked his palms together. "Shut. Shut it forever."

"I can let Steve in through the back door if I like."

Tony made a strangled noise, put a hand over his mouth and flailed, slightly.

"Oh, wow." Bruce drained his tea and swiftly left the room.

"I'm lost." Steve said slowly.

"Trust me, I've done it before." Darcy mused, and Tony vaulted the bench that had separated them, stabbing his finger down into Steve's chest.

"Now you listen to me, you little punk. You keep your spangled hands off my kid, you hear me?"

"Now wait just a second, here-"

"Keep. Your. Hands." Tony punctuated each word with a sharp jab at the Captain's sternum. "To. Yourself."

Steve stood, negating the 'little punk' insult from earlier, but Tony didn't realize, nor did he care. He inflated, glaring upwards, jaw set.

"Now, listen here, Tony, I wasn't gonna -"

"Don't start, I've heard them all. I've invented a few along the way. Step off my kid, Captain, or else."

"Or else what?" Steve had never exactly been a push over.

"You'll deal with me, when I kick your back door in with a two tonne laser cannon, that's what. You feel me?"

"I do not see how Steven could feel him," Thor turned to Jane. "They are not touching."

"I feel you, Tony." Steve said, possibly aware by the amount of giggling in the room, that he wasn't privy to some kind of 21st century slang. He glanced at Thor, who shrugged massive shoulders, then retook his seat, blue eyes bright in a glare that didn't quite suit his face. Darcy was gnawing the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing, though she sobered under Tony's stare.

"We have science to do elsewhere." he said, and swung open to usher her past. "Also, I wanna keep an eye on you, away from this...guy."

"All guys, you mean?" she popped up from the couch. "Defending my virtue, daddio?"

"Get in the lab or I will do some ungodly things to your wifi." she didn't seem entirely phased until he added: "For the rest of your life."

"Okay, let's not get drastic. No, it's cool, Steve." she touched his shoulder as she walked calmly to her father, then gave him a friendly pat on the back when she got here that made him deflate, somewhat. "Oh, but can someone teach Steve how to get through the seventh level on The Haunted? I got up to the bit with the-"

"Yeah, yeah, back door." Clint was not fully able to stand, he was chortling, tears around his eyes. He wiped his face on his sleeve, rubbed his belly from where it had been tense with laughter for so long. "Got cha. I've played it."

"Thanks, man." she lifted her eyebrows at Tony, who was blinking at the small laptop on the table before Steve, paused on some first person indie horror game. "Well? You promised me science. I hope I get to blow something up."

"Right. Science." he nodded to the rest of the room and followed her out. Clint just chuckled, trying to continue Darcy's instruction, not able to use the word: 'back door' and not quite sober when aiding Steve through it.

Thor waited until it was quiet, before turning to Jane again, looking little boy lost, and pouting.

"I thought I was getting a handle on Midgardian slang, though do not know what a back door is. I fear I will never fully learn your language."

"Take it from me," Natasha rose an eyebrow at him, smirk still wound on her mouth. "You don't need that one in your vocabulary."

"But I would like to know what it means." he insisted. "Provided I use it incorrectly, as Steven and Darcy have just demonstrated. Will you tell me what it is at it's implied meaning?"

Natasha sighed.

Jane suddenly had science to do also.

Thor found out the meaning and was properly horrified, whilst slightly amused; Steve heard, he blushed, closed the laptop, and retreated to his room.

And Clint took up from where Steve left off, playing with himself in the loungeroom.


End file.
